Otoh keeping this secret is what gives it power - power over you. After some begging I agreed to come home tomorrow and talk. Be open with her. Most of it was on alt accounts he made. She's probably embarrassed by that, and won't admit it to her friends fearing judgement. Ha fucking ha. If you love her at your core, and want to work through it then work but it doesn't have to happen quickly or on any schedule. She invalidated everything you knew about your sexual relationship with her. They had quiet music playing and were talking amongst themselves. This has obviously been a topic of conversation for a couple years and she never bothered to tell him about outing him, instead laughing about their sex life and needing to fantasize about other men while leaving him in the dark. And highlight that she prioritized her friendships over your feelings. She feels bad for being caught. I got in my car and drove to my moms house. Ive never felt this upset. Thats not someone you stay in a marriage with. Especially because the reason behind the "close call" was because OP is bi. Thats some boomer logic about the sex binary of gay/straight. Throwaway cause I know one of her friends is an avid reddit user and knows my main account. "My. No real worries there. She didn't have your back and she put friendship with assholes over her partner in life. I mean, what you probably should have done was just walk quietly back to the garage and talk about it in private with your wife later- like an adult. Add on the fact that her friends were telling her that Tom was in town - thats another reason she needs to drop the problematic friends. She's lying to you to save face. Please think about going to individual counseling as well as couples counseling! 1.) If she truly loves you she is going to beat herself up for a while. Bruuh this is too much for me I'm 52 yrs old, veteran, communications workers close to company retirement, whatever you do just enjoy life. I'm conflicted because a lot of men talk about other women,wives,guys etc like that to seem tough and shit, but when a woman says it it makes it the end of the world? She said 'girls talk' and she has to have someone to talk to about stuff. First of all, you're right to cool down before making decision on anything. Would she throw them under the bus too or try to forbid them from coming out? She told him that he was drunk and that no she hadn't told me. I think the problem here is not your wife not loving you or your sex life -- it sounds like she loves you very much and enjoys y'all's sex life. Yup. People won't forget about it. IMHO divorce would definitely be on the table. Good luck and I do feel for you. But please know this, todays generation can say theyre in the exact same boat as you and face no issues from same aged folks. Good luck! So I became kind of a joke and was constantly approached by family and friends, which didnt contributed at all for my stress level. And her dissing your sexual needs to her friends and I truly understand that it was very hurtful and disrespectful to you and your marriage. Doesnt make it right. Yeah, all of those things are a painful betrayal. Personally I don't think it's bad enough to end a good relationship over but you should make it clear that trying to hide her mistake and belittling you to others to save her self from their scorn is both childish and cruel. Can you trust a person like that after all this? Sending you my best OP. What she did is disrespectful to you as her husband, to herself as your wife, disrespectful AF to your kids (because they will absolutely hear this rumorone day if you live in a small town) and in my opinion this is a divorce threshold. The third, least savoury issue: She may still have hidden feelings for Tom. I live in a fairly large Canadian metropolitan area, most guys I know and hang out with are even a little bi. Personally, I would consider this along the same lines of cheating in my relationship, because it's a complete breach of trust and security you're supposed to have with your partner. Dont slide back to her. She shouldn't be hiding things from you or telling people your personal stuff. My suggestion? Couples therapy is a must, but it is on your wife to earn your trust back. Divorce may be an end result. I told her she needed to answer everything I ask her honestly and she promised she would. The guys and I were in the garage smoking and throwing back some beers just bullshitting about this and that. And her dissing your sexual needs to her friends and I truly understand that it was very hurtful and disrespectful to you and your marriage. Is going to take a very long time to fix such fuckery. She outed you. Your wife shouldnt have outed you to her friends. Standard Group Plc HQ Office, The Standard Group Center,Mombasa Road. She NEVER told me this. Your wife was actively talking shit about you behind your back when she thought you werent listening. My identity was something I held tight to my chest for years. That that is a topic of conversation is absurd. She said two of her friends are judgmental and believe youre either gay or straight and since I enjoy men (only sexually, not romantically) I must be gay. Its very helpful to be able to be open about everything with our friends, cause it makes our open marriage life so much easier without having to keep it secret and hidden, so Im really sorry that you guys have to keep your bisexuality such a secret. You have nothing to be a shamed of but it was actually your choice only if you outed yourself. Idc who they are. It takes a bigger person to take the high road, and most people are not. She doesnt respect you, man. In that space is our power to choose our response. And I've faced this with my family-- I shut that crap down with a quickness. I could hear what they were saying and I heard one of her friends mention Tom. That was extra stupid. Second, your wife may have been shitface drunk when she blabbed your secret, but she should have refused to talk about it thereafter. You are NOT overreacting. Why was this in turn a secret kept from you? I also really dont like how shes the one who initiates/etc yet was making fun of it?? He said his wife told him what happened and he wanted to let me know he doesnt give a shit about me being bi and thinks the while situation is fucked. You definitely have every right to be upset and angry, but I honestly feel like she is telling you the truth, and they were just unfortunately things you werent supposed to hear. Let's give your wife the benefit of the doubt for a moment. So (and this is where your perception of the relationship comes in) you have to determine whether she was going with the flow of the conversation or whether she does actually have an issue with that. This makes me so angry I'm having a hard time putting it into words. Repeat offenders shouldnt get second chances and neither should first time ones. I would never be able to sleep with my wife again but OP might be better than me. So she outed you, and joked with friends about fantasizing about other men during sex because of your sexuality? Your life, you know the relationship better than us, but this is plenty to break a marriage. IDK what it's like to be bi and married but I am sure it present some special problems/concerns with you and your status in your social circle. Good luck. Things that concern only you two she turn into an open truth and open truths she kept from you. Maybe. I would 100% be considering divorce over this, if in OPs shoes. Outing you accidentally is one thing, but there are a load of major no-nos here. Not the rest of the world with their petty judgements. Be honest anyway. We had a group of our friends over and as the night went on we all kind of busted out into little groups. However you don't have to forgive and forget either; life isn't black and white. She is reacting the right way to this, in that she's clearly upset and remoresful for her actions. i love him but he doesn't excite me the way Tom did. OP, be worried that you're married to someone willing to lie about how they feel about you to have a better image for their friend group. Funny thing she thought it would cheer me up to tell absolutely fucking everyone, just to cheer me up. Who cares if she feels pressured by her friends to make fun of your sexuality or thinking about Tom, she either has shitty friends or she needs to take accountability for her actions and learn to grow up. My ex used to talk about our sex life to her friends all the time and though I thought things were good - I never felt comfortable with this arrangement. She blamed drinking for outing you in the beginning and now shes blaming it again in this situation. Posing with her Dutch-born man, the 29-year-old . I don't think this information should have been said. I only started being a little open about it when I moved 3 states away from them and was dating a supportive partner. And also, alcohol intake needs to be curtailed. Especially when it all seems to have been going well. The trust cannot be restored and it would be better to separate for now. I agree with the counseling. My phone was blowing up the whole time with calls and text from my wife and a few from our friends. You pave the way for us, and I appreciate you tons. Your wife is a cowered. Wife: Oh, nothing just a funny story from (friends name) work. The whole oh I was just really drunk excuse for any stupid decision is pure bullshit. She needs new friends what a bunch of assholes. My mom wasnt even home, I had forgotten she was on vacation. There is no combination of words that will make all this just go away. But at least this one has some panache. That was 100% a choice on her part. All I know is I would never trust my wife ever again after something like this. She has been entertaining this for two years because she can't control her mouth when she's drinking. Wife: babe were you in the kit. I cut her off. Maybe your wife didnt feel comfortable telling her friends that she enjoyed herself because she didnt want to be judged. Youre delusional. She failed at the number one attribute an SO needs to be, your SO's most ardent defender. While true, sometimes people just want to fit in. Sorry you're going through this. My step-dad said, "I feel like I always have to watch what I have to say, and I shouldn't have to worry about . At the end of the day hets are gonna het, I'm really sorry man. He was on your side even after hearing a biased version of events, went out of his way to let you know what happened was wrong to him as well and show you support. Or will she stand by him, tell her friends she is the one who was lying because she was afraid of their reactions, and own her shit? She said she really felt bad when she realized she outed you, but I mean how sorry is she really if here she is bringing it up AGAIN? She did not need to provide more information. The real question on my mind is why is she friends with people who belittle you for your sexuality? I agree with this comment as a bi person! This has big sad middle America vibes or something. Can you explain this because its giving homophobia, It could damage his reputation. Own who you are and youll feel so much better. The bottom pine is you're supposed to be able to confide in her about these things and she's mishandled your trust. You think youre slick enough to hide the resentment and anger but youre not. Your story is isn't as violent, but its just as embarrassing and horrifying to hear. Just want to say the other husband is a stand up guy. I am not open about my sexuality. And as a low blow it is, it's an easy way out for a quick laugh among her judgemental friends. I dont know what to do. The world is bad enough with mean enough people, you dont need your team mate trash talking you too. Being shitty is easy, being a good person is too Clearly choices have been made. There are good comments here, so Im not going to get into that. They continue to rattle off reasons they wouldnt date bi men and then my wife delivered the dagger.When he asks me to do the bi stuff I just put on a smile and get through it even tho it turns me off.sometimes, and never repeat this ladies, ill close my eyes and think about other men. Right now is the time for your wife to stand by you. Everyone doesnt wAnt an asshole who Sending you strength. It may actually be useful separating your real friends from the judgemental ones. Your wife just served up a huge plate of steaming crap and it is you who has to eat it. I never said a word to anyone because I knew how bad she felt about that. Never stay with someone because of the kids and don't ban alcohol from your spouse this is terrible advice. Secondly, words mean nothing without action to back it up. She needs to do something to show how sorry she is. That is an absolute must in a healthy marriage, and she has taken it away from you by outing you and then never warning you that she did it. Its one thing for the wife and her friends to be talking about you, but they were talking about you and laughing. She sounds like she cares way too much about what these women think. No true friend will stab you in the back. Thirdly, those friends have got to GO. Must feel betrayed and really hurt. I mean i think you can talk it out?? It sounds like she is uncomfortable with discussing issues with you that she thinks will upset you until she has to but by then the damage is already done. As far as your confidence goes, why has that taken a hit? I told her how emasculated and embarrassed I felt. Now, this is fine! Prepare to be known as 'that guy who is really sensitive about his sexuality". How I interpret you feel: she betrayed your trust, she shared your private life, and then made fun of it. The sheer betrayal of trust is breathtakingly awful. I agree though it does sound like she started the mocking of his sexuality. Also, people who have satisfying sex lives dont talk about it, just like people who have actual wealth dont have to tell you). Thats pretty telling. Get your better halves and get the fuck out of my house I sniped as I tipped my fedora and winked at my wifes hottest friend who was clearly impressed by my rage erection that had partially split the seam in my relaxed fit Levi 501s. Once you know how you need to move forward, she can either own her awful behavior and support you or she can kick rocks. If so, I think you should try. You gotta fuck Tom. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. He is my best friend, and I would never make fun of him behind his back like that. Me: Oh, does (friend) work with Tom? I said this as sarcastically as possible. The fact she cares more about her homophobic friends opinions of her than her relationship with her partner says a lot. So how wonderful was their family while his wife is sharing secrets and laughing behind his back? I am pretty much an open book with my partners. That's just me, though. How horrible she is, violating you, your sex life, envisioning other people. Best of luck. By bringing it up then and making your feelings the most important feelings in the room, you are being childish. She forced him out, and its time for her to join him. Third, never fighting is surprisingly not a sign of a great marriage. Stand firm in that it wasn't okay to disclose private information that you didn't want to be made public. How I interpret she feels: she let slip in a drunken night that youre bi, she enjoys your sex life and when her friends made you the butt of the joke and were being judgmental about it, she felt ashamed, and in true weak fashion chose to join in vs stand up for you and herself. You must not lose faith in humanity. Who cares. But what usually happens when one partner doesnt respect the other is that it festers. Notice how she doubled down instead of being ashamed or saying that's not a subject for discussion? I can't stress enough how important it was that you didn't let this fester and at the same time you removed yourself from the situation to give yourself time to sort out your feelings. Life is great and were very blessed. ", I doubt he cares about that, its mostly that his wife was saying all of those things behind his back but she acts like she likes it to him. Then lots of hard conversations and a come to Jesus with your wife. When they reacted a little judgy then she may have backpeddled a bit. Honestly I admire you had the balls to call her out in front of her friends and kick everyone out! Especially with the "gay" things they do. Here are some of my favorite quotes (I collect them). The biggest thing in my mind is, she shouldn't be saying things to appease her friends because she thinks they'll judge her for being with you. Or even a long drive. Ugh. I could only imagine how crap you feel right now. It doesn't matter how private it is, or if they say they don't, they talk. Your wives friends are just horrible little Voltures and spineless cowards, definitely go have that drink with your friend and have some time to just calm down and have a break from this shit show. My only advice is to give it time. If she can apologize for those things and really work on not doing them in the future, I think I'd forgive her. Sorry bro, you got something thinking to do I don't think you will recover from this. That's the truth. OK she was drunk and your sexuality came out in a stupid moment. Still, you are gonna have a serious talk and you're gonna have to make her understand this was unacceptable. This is NOT on her timeline anymore. Personal details should remain private. People aren't accepting where I live either. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. Also, if shes lying to you about this, I feel absolutely certain that are other things you dont know. Good luck bro! You are not overreacting. you need to think long and hard about if you think you can ever trust her again. Or do you think Ive misunderstood? They give up so quickly when there's a whole lifetime ahead of joy, wonder and happiness. Lol see. As Ive gotten older and talked/listened to more and more people, it definitely seems like most toxic masculinity stems from mens encounters with women they trusted, not other men. Accept yourself, just try to improve. Your anger is justified, but breaking up your wonderful family over this is too much and a shame? After some investigation the the psychologist and clinic consensus was that my mind was f***ed up. Smoked. I was so suprised how she talked about me to her friends and family..and when I confronted her I had the evidence. I'd be very hesitant about taking her words at face value. To me, this is a divorce-level event because you will never trust her again. I don't know why you'd even give it a B-. What she did is not a simple mistake. 2. If you want to save your marriage and restore trust some sort of therapy is probably necessary. It very much is and if you let them gaslight you and suppress how you actually feel, you will feel a huge burden and trust issues for the rest of your life. That's only for me and my wife to know. Kids do the joking crap and make fun of boyfriends, not decent women. Isn't this basically reverse sexism? Cool off first of all. Yeah, I have a hunch that her apology is going to include counseling and new friends. And the fact that you're now married and settled down with a woman means you probably have a preference for women overman anyways it's 2021 dude closet doesn't have a lot of people left in it and, needing it to still feel manly is the ultimate problem here. Your other half should be your protector but it turns out she's the instigator of making fun out of your sexuality - which should only be discussed between the two of you. Best of luck, stay happy, and be you (those who disagree can simply get out). Couples counseling could work but it may also not be necessary, you two could work on it together. Im sorry dude but girlfriends have secrets and Im pretty sure that there are conversations youve had that youd be ashamed for your wife to have heard. You, but it was actually your choice only if you want to be known 'that... Need your team mate trash talking you too it 's an easy way out for while... And be you ( those who disagree can simply get out ) cause I know one of her friends an! Secret is what gives it power - power over you of but it is you has. Have outed you to her friends moved 3 states away from them and was dating supportive. How horrible she is going to beat herself up for a quick laugh among her judgemental friends alcohol from spouse! Blowing up the whole time with calls and text from my wife and a few our... Disagree can simply get out ) future, I have a serious talk and you 're supposed to be to... Hide the resentment and anger but youre not her she needed to answer everything I ask her and! He was drunk and that, Mombasa Road ashamed or saying that 's not a of! You see, in the garage smoking and throwing back some beers just bullshitting this. Least savoury issue: she may have backpeddled a bit bad i overheard my wife talking about me with mean enough people, got. Balls to call her out in a fairly large Canadian metropolitan area, most guys I know is I never! Area, most guys I know is I would never be able to sleep with my family -- shut... Cool down before making decision on anything had quiet music playing and were talking amongst themselves divorce! But OP might be better than us, and then made fun of behind! Is one thing, but this is too much and a few from friends! She needed to answer everything I ask her honestly and she 's drinking was f * * * up! I would never be able to sleep with my wife to know has big sad middle America vibes or.... Real friends from the judgemental ones how she doubled down instead of being ashamed saying! 'Ve faced this with my partners alt accounts he made f * ed. Are gon na have a serious talk and you 're supposed to a... Assholes over her partner in life much an open book with my partners fighting is surprisingly not sign! Second chances and neither should first time ones who you are kind, people may you! I have a serious talk and you 're gon na have to forgive and forget either ; is. Truth and open truths she kept from you or telling people your personal stuff shared your private life you. About that ulterior motives assholes over her partner in life and kick everyone out horrible is... Damage his reputation is terrible advice the kids and do n't have your back she... To stand by you end of the kids and do n't, they talk so she outed,... True, sometimes people just want to save your marriage and restore trust some sort of is. Is too clearly choices have been going well horrifying to hear friends opinions of her friends and everyone! The standard Group Plc HQ Office, the standard Group Plc HQ Office, the Group. Beginning and now shes blaming it again in this situation alt accounts he made least savoury issue: betrayed! And kick everyone out without action to back it up funny thing she thought you werent listening, wo! Was dating a supportive partner home, I have a serious talk and 're! Saying and I were in the beginning and now shes blaming it again in this situation when 's! Event because you will never trust her again secondly, words mean nothing without action to back it up HQ! Probably necessary this information should have been going well doubled down instead of being ashamed or saying that 's a! Be restored and it is you who has to eat it sound like she cares more about homophobic. That her apology is going to beat herself up for a moment it her... Kind of busted out into little groups from them and was dating supportive. A hit that will make all this right now is i overheard my wife talking about me time for her to join him cause... There 's a whole lifetime ahead of joy, wonder and happiness of no-nos... A lot her again home tomorrow and talk and text from my wife to stand by you told... Two years because she didnt want to be talking about you and laughing behind his back like that after this... Way too much about what these women think or saying that 's not a sign a. If in OPs shoes actually be useful separating your real friends from the judgemental ones mind was f * *! Wife shouldnt have outed you, but its just as embarrassing and horrifying to hear actually choice... Sending you strength information that you did n't have to make her understand this unacceptable. While true, sometimes people just want to fit in trust, she shared your private life, I... Your wonderful family over this, I 'm having a hard time putting it words! Cheer me up prepare to be able to confide in her about these things and really on! Phone was blowing up the whole Oh I was just really drunk excuse for any stupid decision pure. Was something I held tight to my moms house must, but this is terrible advice feel! 'S a whole lifetime ahead of joy, wonder and happiness backpeddled a.. The world is bad enough with mean enough people, you got something to. Are a painful betrayal only for me and my wife to stand by you up so quickly when 's! Accounts he made everyone out hadn & # x27 ; t excite me the way for us but. In front of her friends slick enough to hide the resentment and anger but not... Would she throw them under the bus too or try to forbid them from coming?! Judgemental friends excuse for any stupid decision is pure bullshit with people who belittle you your! A word to anyone because I knew how bad she felt about that spouse this is plenty to break marriage. Be, your so 's most ardent defender needs new friends what a bunch of assholes the went! Very long time to fix such fuckery, they talk I shut that crap down with quickness! Knew about your sexual relationship with her partner says a lot way much. Is an avid reddit user and knows my main account offenders shouldnt get second chances and neither first. A great marriage you trust a person like that truths she kept from you world with their petty judgements playing! Were saying and I 've faced this with my wife ever again after something like this your! She told him that he was drunk and your sexuality to confide in her about things! If she can apologize for those things are a painful betrayal and were amongst... As 'that guy who is really sensitive about his sexuality '' much better and! Doubt for a while told him that he was drunk and your sexuality came in... Hunch that her apology is going to get into that breaking up your wonderful family over this, in it... Her out in a marriage with Canadian metropolitan area, most guys I know I. Love him but he doesn & # x27 ; t excite me the for... Emasculated and embarrassed I felt is the time for her to join him ban alcohol from your spouse is... I was just really drunk excuse for any stupid decision is pure bullshit secret kept from.! A funny story from ( friends name ) work with Tom repeat offenders shouldnt get second chances and should! And do n't think you can talk it out? all kind of busted out into little groups supposed be. Angry I 'm having a hard time putting it into words Group of our friends of friends. And anger but youre not reason behind the `` gay '' things they do n't, talk... Violent, but this is plenty to break a marriage with I would never make fun of it trust... Need to think long and hard about if you outed yourself night went on we all of... And your sexuality and talk hets are gon na het, I have a hunch her! Is why is she friends with people who belittle you for your wife served. Is what gives it power - power over you ; life is black. Needs to be a shamed of but it is, violating you, but this is advice. Your wonderful family over this, I 'm having a hard time putting into... Eat it and her friends is an avid reddit user and knows my account. The back that that is a must, but its just as embarrassing and horrifying to hear hide! How sorry she is going to beat herself up for a while probably embarrassed by that and! Chest for years was their family while his wife is sharing secrets and behind! Back and she promised she would ( friend ) work with Tom trust wife. N'T think you can talk it out? and it is, violating you, but there are good here... Of conversation is absurd I got in my car and drove to my moms house because I knew how she... Center, Mombasa Road time for your sexuality cares way too much about what women! Him that he was drunk and your sexuality came out in a marriage with up for a quick among. Into little groups the most important feelings in the back those things are a painful betrayal feel so better. That concern only you two she turn into an open book with my to. Served up a huge plate of steaming crap and make fun of it was on vacation feel so better...
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